Dear Mr Air, I am due to fly to Sardinia with your marvellous company this summer and have a couple of quick queries before I do so. Firstly it is my intention to travel with a stuffed albatross strapped to my chest, this will of course involve, as custom dictates, shouting 'long live the albatross' at regular intervals. I would like to make sure you consider this to be acceptable conduct before I make any further arrangements. Secondly I would like to bring to your attention a rather irritating medical condition I am afflicted with. When travelling at speeds in excess of 60mph lockjaw sets in rendering me unable to close my mouth without the use of a hydraulic battering ram, I will need to bring the battering ram and the accompanying 4-stroke generator on board as hand luggage so I can use it prior to my albatross chants. The battering ram and accompanying generator are rather cumbersome so if possible I would like to sit somewhere with some spare space for them as they will be too heavy for the overhead luggage compartment. On a final note could you give me a quote for carrying some extra baggage; namely 14 cubic feet of cured ducks feet? I have as yet been unable to obtain an accurate weight for them yet as they are currently attached to ducks however let us assume the package will not exceed 31kg. Kind Regards Peter Holt